


5 Times Evan Stayed and 1 Time Connor Returned the Favor

by Fangodess



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, OOC?, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-20 00:45:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangodess/pseuds/Fangodess
Summary: this is really bad and ooc (i might rewrite it in the morning because i am over all dissatisfied with it) because i don't know how to write Connor's outbursts and have trouble writing how Evan talksthe prompt comes from two people the first part comes from @autisticauthorgabs on tumblr. it is: I need more times when Connor has outbursts and instead of crying and running away, Evan stays and understands that Connor doesn’t mean it. Sure, Evan has anxiety, but nothing makes it easier to ignore than a friend in need. I need Evan sitting with him while Connor yells insults at him and just calmly talking to him. I need Connor calming down and regretting it and Evan is right there to forgive him.I need these boys being there for each other. I need less of their mental illness being used as angst and more of it being used as fluffthe second part comes from @the-corpses-were-fake also on tumblr it is: Okay but also Evan saying things he doesn’t mean when he panics. Evan voicing his worries and saying hurtful things like he did with Jared (you’re only friends with me because no one else wants to be around you connor etc) And Connor understanding that it’s not actually what Evan thinks. Connor that stays despite his paranoia despite his problems and tells Evan calmly that even if he had a million friends he’d still choose Evan that he won’t leave him alone with his anxiety etc. And Evan actually apologizing and thanking Connor and just Evan not being reduced to some cute cinnamon role but an actual person that is just as capable to hurt Connor when he feels bad. I need both of them to be there for each other and for them to show each other that those bad moments don’t define them but the way they deal with the aftermath does.





	5 Times Evan Stayed and 1 Time Connor Returned the Favor

**Author's Note:**

> this is really bad and ooc (i might rewrite it in the morning because i am over all dissatisfied with it) because i don't know how to write Connor's outbursts and have trouble writing how Evan talks
> 
> the prompt comes from two people the first part comes from @autisticauthorgabs on tumblr. it is: I need more times when Connor has outbursts and instead of crying and running away, Evan stays and understands that Connor doesn’t mean it. Sure, Evan has anxiety, but nothing makes it easier to ignore than a friend in need. I need Evan sitting with him while Connor yells insults at him and just calmly talking to him. I need Connor calming down and regretting it and Evan is right there to forgive him.I need these boys being there for each other. I need less of their mental illness being used as angst and more of it being used as fluff
> 
> the second part comes from @the-corpses-were-fake also on tumblr it is: Okay but also Evan saying things he doesn’t mean when he panics. Evan voicing his worries and saying hurtful things like he did with Jared (you’re only friends with me because no one else wants to be around you connor etc) And Connor understanding that it’s not actually what Evan thinks. Connor that stays despite his paranoia despite his problems and tells Evan calmly that even if he had a million friends he’d still choose Evan that he won’t leave him alone with his anxiety etc. And Evan actually apologizing and thanking Connor and just Evan not being reduced to some cute cinnamon role but an actual person that is just as capable to hurt Connor when he feels bad. I need both of them to be there for each other and for them to show each other that those bad moments don’t define them but the way they deal with the aftermath does.

1) Get out!

“Get out!” Connor screamed, “I don’t even want you here Evan.”  
“N-no” Evan stuttered.  
“What?” Connor said somewhere between shock and anger.  
“I said no,” Evan said seeming surer of himself, “I won’t leave you here like this.”  
“I don’t want you here,” Connor snarled.  
“I’m just going to stay anyway,” Evan said attempting to appear assertive.  
“I SAID GET OUT!!” Connor screamed again punching the wall.  
Evan jumped slightly, “Do you really want me out?”  
“Yes,” Connor said with less malice.  
Evan looked him up and down, “No you don’t.”  
“What if I do? What if I never wanted you around in the first place?” Connor growled.  
“Well I mean that wouldn’t be great but I’ve dealt with Jared not wanting me around so I guess I’ll just have to stick around to annoy you some more,” Evan rambled wringing his hands looking down.  
“Why?” Connor said anger still in his voice but fading.  
“Well I mean you’re pretty great so…” he trailed off, “andIkindaloveyou and I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.”  
“Oh,” Connor said stepping back.   
They stood their frozen in silence until finally Connor’s tense shoulders dropped and he seemed to deflate and he said, “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay,” Evan said.  
“No, I…” Connor said before Evan strode forward cutting him off.  
Evan placed his hands on either side of Connor’s face, “It’s okay. You didn’t mean it, I know that.”  
Connor laughed, “Did you have to dramatically grab my face?”  
“Yes,” Evan said giggling.  
“You’re a dork,” Connor said affectionally.  
“You love me,” Evan replied smiling.  
“I do. I love you very much,” Connor said draping his arms over his shoulders, “Let go of my face.”  
Evan giggled and slide his hands down to Connor’s waist, “I love you. All of you, even the parts you’ve deemed ugly.”  
Connor half smiled and rested his forehead on Evans, “I love you too.”

2) I hate you

“I hate you,” Connor screamed as he threw stuff around his room.  
“That’s okay because I love you,” Evan said matter-of-factly trying not to let his nerves show as he attempted to speak calmly sitting cross legged on Connor’s bed as Connor flew around his room in a rage.  
“Why are you even here? I told you I hate you so why don’t you just leave,” he yelled stopping his rampage on his room and stalking towards Evan.  
“Because I want to be here,” Evan said as calmly as he could.  
“Why would you want to be here? I’m a mess,” Connor said voice cracking.  
Evan unfolded his legs from under him and walked to where Connor stood in the middle of his room with his arms wrapped around himself, looking scared and broken. When he reached Connor he gently placed his hands-on Connor’s arms, “I want to be here because I love you and I care about you.”  
Connor practically deflated into Evan’s arms, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”  
Evan held him rocking them back and forth, gently rubbing Connor’s back, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t. It’s okay.”

3) I’ll hit you

“If you don’t get out of my fucking face,” Connor snarled stepping forward so he was in Evans face, “I’ll hit you.”  
Evan took a step back shaking slightly, “Alright I’m back sorry,” Evan said putting his shaking hands up. Connor yelled picking up a wooden desk chair and throwing it against the wall causing it to smash. He picked a pillow off his bed and threw it across the room. He ripped the sheets off his bed and threw them around the room. He continued to rampage his room throwing things and screaming before he finally collapsed on the floor too exhausted to continue and began sobbing.  
“Can I come over?” Evan said tentatively.  
Connor nodded slightly too exhausted to do much else. Evan slowly knelt to the ground and crawled over. He didn’t say anything just pressed himself against Connor wrapping his arms around Connor and resting his head on his shoulder. Connor closed his eyes and buried his face in Evans hair.  
“I’m sorry,” he said after a while.  
“It’s okay,” Evan said gently running his fingers through his hair.  
“Are you okay?” he asked fearing the answer.  
“I’m fine Connor, are you?” Evan asked tentatively.  
Connor paused like he wasn’t sure what to say, “I’m not sure. I’m finally getting help and getting therapy and medication but all I feel is worse. I feel like I’m lashing out more and I have less control. What if it’s me? What if I’m not trying hard enough?” his voice had gradually dropped until it was barely above a whisper.  
“Hey no,” Evan said cupping his face and bringing his face up to Evan’s, “Don’t say that, you are doing so much better. I know you’re trying so hard and you’re doing amazing. Your relationship with Zoe is better and you haven’t had a break down like that in a while. The medication isn’t a magic fix all pill. You’re going to have set backs. You’ll have to adjust your medication and get used to it. You can’t expect it to fix you immediately and that is nothing you do that is something your body will eventually balance out but until then you are still doing great,” he finished gently rubbing his thumb along Connor’s jaw.  
Connor closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, “I just feel like there’s more I could do.”  
“Are you taking your meds?” Connor nodded, “Are you going to therapy?” Connor, again, nodded, “Then you are doing plenty the rest will just take time,” Evan finished smiling.  
“I love you,” Connor said resting his forehead on Evans.  
“I love you too,” Evan said smiling back at Connor.

4) I’m going to kill you

“I’ll kill you,” Connor screamed throwing a chair across the room causing it to crack and the leg too fall off.  
“That would be okay,” Evan said as calmly as he could, “it wouldn’t be a bad way to go. I'd get to see the person I loved before I die.”  
Connor seems thrown by this he stopped in his tirade of his room and just stared at Evan, “What?” He said blinking obviously confused.  
“I don’t know. I’m trying to...I don’t know,” Evan stuttered trying to keep his own panic at bay. Connor stood frozen except for his hands which he was clenching and unclenching his hands while breathing heavily.  
“Con-Connor,” Evan stuttered out, “c…can I come closer?” He said half stepping towards him.  
“No,” Connor said quietly, “don’t come closer”  
“Okay,” Evan said gently putting his hands up and stepped backwards.  
“It’s not… I just…” Connor trailed off unable to form a cohesive thought.  
“It’s okay,” Evan said gently putting his arms back down, “I understand, I’m here for anything you need.”  
They sat in silence Evan longing to hold Connor and Connor just trying to center himself again to keep himself from lashing out again.  
“Oh god,” Connor gasped wrapping his arm around his waist and placing another over his mouth.  
“What?” Evan asked head snapping up to look at Connor.  
“I threatened to kill you,” he gasped suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe.  
“Hey no its okay,” Evan said going to step closer but suddenly stopping, “Can I come closer?”  
“I-I-I,” Connor said gasping for air unable to speak trying to nod, desperately needing evan.  
Evan still wasn’t certain if the motion Connor was making was a nod but he stepped forward cautiously giving Connor time to step back if he need to.  
Evan gently reached out touching his arm softly and pulling Connor closer to him, “Hey, hey, I promise it’s okay,” He brushed Connor’s hair out of his face, “I need you to try to breathe with me. In and out. In for 4, hold for 2, and exhale for 6. It’s okay. You’re doing great. It’s okay.”  
“I’m-m s-sor-ry,” he stuttered out his breathing slowly growing back to normal.  
“It’s okay. You didn’t mean it. I know that. It’s okay,” Evan said pulling Connor fully too his chest so he was enveloping Connor in a hug. He gently rubbed soft circles in his back.  
“I shouldn’t have…” Connor began.  
“Its. Okay,” Evan said firmly.  
Connor pulled back and rested his forehead on Evan’s, “I love you.”  
“I love you too,” Evan replied quietly.

5) I don’t want you here

Zoe leads Evan up the stairs, “He’s in there. Be careful,” she says looking worried.  
“I’ll be fine,” Evan said opening the door and stepping into what looked like the sight of a tornado. As he stepped in a pillow flew past his head. He squeaked and side step.  
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Connor screamed throwing another pillow at the bed.  
“Zoe’s worried about you,” Evan said, “I’m worried about you.”  
“Well Zoe should mind her own business,” Connor screamed, “I’m fine.  
“You… um you don’t seem fine idontmeantoassume but your room kind of looks like a tornado hit notthatthatisbad but you know you just seem like you need help sorry I just sorry,” Evan word vomited.  
“I don’t need your help,” Connor snarled.  
“It’s okay to need help. Notsayingyouneedhelpimjustsayingitsokay. Just because you need help doesn’t mean your weak or something notsayingthatswhatyoumeantbut I just sorry,” Evan stuttered.  
“Stop apologizing,” Connor growls, “Why the fuck are you even still here? I don’t want you here.”  
“I’m here to make sure you’re okay because I care about you,” Evan said quickly.  
“Why would you care about me? Why would anyone care about me?” he said trying to sound angry but it came out sounding like a broken sob, “I’m broken beyond repair. What would make anyone care? What can I possibly offer anyone? I can’t be fixed, I’ll never be fixed” he half screamed half sobbed, slamming against the wall and sliding down it sobbing. He pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed into them.  
“You aren’t broken, imeanifyourebrokenwhatamI,” he laughed self-deprecatingly before continuing, “You have a mental illness, that doesn’t mean you’re broken. You don’t need to be fixed,” he paused slightly kneeling to Connors level, “Can-can I come over?” he asked gently.  
Connor didn’t move or speak for a moment. Finally, he mustered the strength to look up he met Evan’s eyes with his red rimmed ones. Evan’s heart broke at the sight of Connor sitting on the ground sobbing and shaking slightly. He looked wide eyed and terrified at Evan, like he was scared if he made one wrong move Evan would leave.  
After a few seconds of wide eyed silence Connor began to frantically apologizing, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry I’ve ruined everything I’m sorry,” he sobbed rocking himself back and forth. Evan crawled so he was now sitting in front of Connor.  
“Can I touch you?” he asked cautiously. Connor nodded weakly. Evan pulled Connor lightly into his lap cradling him gently in his arms.  
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You deserve someone better. I’m sorry I can’t do better. I’m sorry I’m not better,” Connor sobbed into Evan’s chest.  
Evan rocked him slightly, stroking his back and playing softly with his hair, “It’s okay. It isn’t your fault. I forgive you. Of course, I forgive you. I know you don’t mean it,” he brushed the hair out of Connors face and wiped the tears away and kissing his forehead. Connor closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.  
“I’m sorry,” Connor said quietly.  
“It’s okay,” Evan said holding him close, “It will all be okay.”   
+1 no one else wants you  
Connor stepped into the Hansen household worried after Evan hadn’t shown up for school that day, “Evan,” he yelled into the house walking up the stairs to Evan’s room.  
He walked into Evan’s room to find Evan curled up on his bed. He sat down behind Evan causing Evan to look up.   
“Hey, Ev,” he said quietly running a hand through Evans hair.  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t at school,” he said quietly.  
“It’s okay, can you sit up?” Connor said.  
“Yeah,” he said quietly. Connor helped him sit up leaning Evan against him.  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Connor asked gently.  
“I just I couldn’t stop thinking. It felt paralyzing like I couldn’t move,” he mumbled.  
“Thinking about what?” Connor asked softly.  
“That day,” he said nervously, “What if I had died? Would anyone even care? Jared only uses me for car insurance. Maybe my mom would miss me at first but in the end, it would be a relief. She’d finally be free of me. I’m just a burden she has to work so hard for my meds and therapy. All while going to school and dealing with me. Her life would be so much easier without me every ones’ lives would be easier without me,” he said tears streaming down his face as panic began to set in.  
“Mine wouldn’t,” Connor said.  
“What?” Evan replied shocked.  
“My life wouldn’t be better without you,” he repeated.  
“You only want me because no one else wants you,” he said as his panic continued to rise.  
Connor tries not to flinch at that one even though it cut him deep he knew Evan didn’t mean it, it was just the panic. He wiped the tears off of Evan’s face, “Even if I had all the friends in the world I would still choose you.”  
“Why?” Evan asked softly.  
“Because I love you and you are amazing,” Connor said softly.  
Evan curled into Connors side sobbing, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.”  
“I know,” he said rocking him slowly, “I’ve got you.”  
“I’m sorry what I said was awful and I understand if you want to leave,” Evan said frantically, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it I love you. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay. I need you to just breath. It will all be okay. I know you didn’t mean it. It’s okay I love you too,” they there curled together as Evan’s breathing slowed. Eventually they fell asleep and that’s how Heidi found them hours later tangled in each others arms.


End file.
